Florence picking up the Suya Pizza.

Afrobeats, sports, movies, and spicy food; these are things several Africans associate with Nigerians. If asked to think of a topic to strike up with a Nigerian, they often resort to these things. However, what if they were in Nigeria or surrounded by Nigerians and wanted to blend in? There is the foreigner’s guide to being Nigerian.

“Things fall apart, Wole Soyinka, and a woman whose name is really long,” Timothy says as he drives me from Jomo Kenyatta International Airport to my hotel in Nairobi. He works with the airport’s Tour and Travel Services and is confident about his knowledge of Nigerians.

He gets to pick up several nationalities but Nigerians often stick out like a sore thumb. So while he tells me about his love of Nigerian literature, he is embarrassed that he could not read my accent well enough to guess I was Nigerian.

“Are you from Congo?” was the first phrase he said to me after I entered the car, “There is a way you say your R,” was his next. His next few guesses were equally wrong and after a few minutes, I giggled because I had just successfully hidden my Nigerian accent from an African. If he had met me a few weeks ago, he would have guessed Nigerian on the first try but a week ago, I had a few foreign friends explore Lagos, Nigeria and see how long they could feign being locales without anyone figuring out the ruse.

MEET THE FOREIGNERS AND THEIR GUIDE:

A Beninoise, a Beninoise-Nigerian, a Malawian, and a Kenyan had the hard task of proving they could be Nigerian. Their perspectives on what defines a Nigerian varied, but a connecting web was we have an accent. “It is easy to spot a Nigerian accent, just by listening to the vowel pronunciations,” Layla* [Kenyan] said.

Layla prefers to use a made-up name for this article.

Turns out Nigerians are betrayed by their ‘O’s. In their ears, we exaggerate our O’s, allegedly, no one says blood, god, Google or word the way we do. This lesson helped me make the accent guessing game tougher for Timothy in Kenya and it certainly helped my entourage of foreigners blend in. Here are their dos and don’ts of How to be a Nigerian.

DOs:

There has been an ever-growing discussion on the existence of a Nigerian accent; several Nigerians believe, there is none but then again that is a belief held by the average nationality. For Florence, this is the only English accent she knows because it is the one her parents speak.

Florence is Nigerian by ancestry but lives and grew up in the French-speaking city of Cotonou, Benin Republic. It is her first time in Lagos and she is convinced this will be easy. Technically, she is even cheating, she is simply a Nigerian who lives next door and speaks French too. Her tips and tricks?

1. Always complain a little about the economy. “Do I know how much bread used to be? No, but I know to point out that bread prices are crazy these days.”

She executes this trick in her Bolt ride, at the movie theatres, and when picking up pizza suya. It works every time, she instantly gets a nod of approval and some even chime in to talk about how crazy the prices are getting. The Bolt driver only got suspicious when she insisted on paying in cash. This brought her to her next trick.

2. Create an Opay account. OPay is a popular mobile money platform in Nigeria and works if you plan to stay for a while. “It is much easier and accessible to set up an Opay account than having to go to the bank.” Plus Nigerians have a subtle bias towards Opay users. They are going to assume you are from a low-income household and not from another country.

Her only don’t is not to complain about the YouTube Ads. In Benin, YouTube has no ads so wondering why a clip is running before your desired video starts exposes you. Take that ad in stride, it is only three minutes.

Frida is Beninoise and has limited experience with this many English speakers. “I will use this opportunity to practise my English even more.” She is here to promote Freedom Palace Hotel, Porto-Novo. “Benin [Republic] is a place Nigerians love to relax for the weekend but it is always Cotonou, never Porto-Novo and Porto-Novo is closer.”

Freedom Palace Hotel, Porto-Novo.

She has done her research and knows the basics; 

1. Their Gozem is our Bolt.
2. Beaches are fully commercialised.
3. Nigerians call Keke, Okada [motorcycle] because Keke means something else to them [an auto rickshaw].
4. Landmark has everything… or at least it did.

So when it is dark and she is hungry, she knows Landmark will have some place for her to eat. Imagine her surprise when we arrive at half past nine and everything is closing [It is a Sunday night]. “I thought Lagos was a city that never sleeps,” Frida’s slip earns her a stare from the neighbouring table and that is the first don’t.

DON’Ts:

1. 24/7 restaurants are not at every nook and cranny. Some even operate on an if-you-know-you-know basis. I should know because I have walked from a festival in the rain to a self-described 24/7 restaurant that was not open at 4 am.

 ThisDay Style has a list of five 24-hour food spots you can trust.

Stanley knows that Malawi is not the most popular country in Africa. As someone who once saw a Burundian breakdown after a Nigerian asked if Burundi was a country, I understand not wanting to discuss an unpopular nationality in Nigeria. But if you want to discover Malawi, he says they’ve got tons of water sports including Scuba diving and Snorkelling. 

The unpopularity is not mutual. “In this continent, maybe only 5% of people do not know a thing about Nigeria,” he said. As an East African, his strategy aligns with Layla’s.

DOs:

1. Add emphasis to your Os.
2. Nigerians are not that into their ministers. For context, the average East African has TB Joshua’s church, The Synagogue– Church Of All Nations on their bucket list.
3. Go for easy topics, sports and music.
4. Yam is very popular.

DON’Ts:

1. Avoid food with pepper, they use a different pepper and the pepper is very hot.

In a twist of fate, the only person who was outright asked what country they were from was me. Lagosians had their suspicions but only I was deemed fraudulent enough to be asked what country are you from? In response, I asked why they had assumed I was not Nigerian and the answer brings us to our final don’t.

DON’Ts:

1. Do not cut your front hair into bangs. Everyone they’ve seen with bangs was either white, Asian or wearing a wig. They have never seen a Nigerian girl with natural bangs and they do not believe it exists.